Pondering

I was being introspective today, or at least for the last couple hours, and probably in general I'm pretty introspective.  Anyway, before I get carried away I have a quick thought that I wanted to share and ponder. 

I read a little blip about someone on a the big world wide web, and to summarize they said that because their life was always really good and really cheerful, and things/life were always really such a fairytale story for them that they are thankful for it of course, and that is what has enabled them to see the goodness, even in all the bad the world can be. 

My thought is: I don't think it is because of the life they have had (as always being good, happy) that brings them this hope, this cheerfulness, this bright light you can bring to others.

I don't think my life has always been good, in fact, it has been tortuous at points.  So much so, that even as a young child (under 12) I wondered what I ever did to deserve such an outcome, all the pain, torture and shame...it's hard to type, or even think about sometimes, because I am so good at blocking that from my daily conciousness.  But as a child of 9 or ten, I thought about suicide to escape my surroundings.  Suicide as an escape from my daily torture from outside forces, not because I was physically/pyscologically depressed.  Without explaining my story from beginning to end, I'm not sure if this can be understood fully. 

I am a very hopeful person, and I like to think I bring hope, and joy into others lives.  The more I work on that (being in the moment), the more I become.  My children have helped me see the positive, sometimes in such simple little things, it's like they are the ones who are teaching me.  I am always thankful.  Sometimes even I wonder how I can be so positive and thankful for things, given what I've experienced.  Still experience.

What is the difference between me and that person that spirals into darkness?  Never to return?  Or the one who has always had good, but doesn't see it? 

Sometimes I feel like I am the one who chooses this hard difficult road.  Not when I was a child, as that was truly out of my control, but now, as an adult.

Sometimes...

I just feel so sad, and lost, and an unspeakable, I can't put it into words kind of loneliness.  Only sometimes.  Today I had one of those moments.  It's not gone yet, I'm just trying to acknowledge and accept it.  It doesn't ever last too long.

To see all the beauty in the world

You know you talk about this beauty you see, from afar, and nod your head in agreement thinking 'What kindred spirits we are...(if only)...' and how horrid it is that we ignore the beauty right in front of us, looking at my phone, or the wall or some random thought passing by.  As you speak these words, you are ignoring the beauty if front of you.  (INFURIATED). YOU are the ultimate insult.  Your ignorance.  This want for something you think you don't have or can't have, and here it sits withering, waiting, wanting, in front of you.  I pity you.  But now it is time to move on.  Baby steps.  Is it me?