Pondering

I was being introspective today, or at least for the last couple hours, and probably in general I'm pretty introspective.  Anyway, before I get carried away I have a quick thought that I wanted to share and ponder. 

I read a little blip about someone on a the big world wide web, and to summarize they said that because their life was always really good and really cheerful, and things/life were always really such a fairytale story for them that they are thankful for it of course, and that is what has enabled them to see the goodness, even in all the bad the world can be. 

My thought is: I don't think it is because of the life they have had (as always being good, happy) that brings them this hope, this cheerfulness, this bright light you can bring to others.

I don't think my life has always been good, in fact, it has been tortuous at points.  So much so, that even as a young child (under 12) I wondered what I ever did to deserve such an outcome, all the pain, torture and shame...it's hard to type, or even think about sometimes, because I am so good at blocking that from my daily conciousness.  But as a child of 9 or ten, I thought about suicide to escape my surroundings.  Suicide as an escape from my daily torture from outside forces, not because I was physically/pyscologically depressed.  Without explaining my story from beginning to end, I'm not sure if this can be understood fully. 

I am a very hopeful person, and I like to think I bring hope, and joy into others lives.  The more I work on that (being in the moment), the more I become.  My children have helped me see the positive, sometimes in such simple little things, it's like they are the ones who are teaching me.  I am always thankful.  Sometimes even I wonder how I can be so positive and thankful for things, given what I've experienced.  Still experience.

What is the difference between me and that person that spirals into darkness?  Never to return?  Or the one who has always had good, but doesn't see it? 

Sometimes I feel like I am the one who chooses this hard difficult road.  Not when I was a child, as that was truly out of my control, but now, as an adult.

Sometimes...

I just feel so sad, and lost, and an unspeakable, I can't put it into words kind of loneliness.  Only sometimes.  Today I had one of those moments.  It's not gone yet, I'm just trying to acknowledge and accept it.  It doesn't ever last too long.

To see all the beauty in the world

You know you talk about this beauty you see, from afar, and nod your head in agreement thinking 'What kindred spirits we are...(if only)...' and how horrid it is that we ignore the beauty right in front of us, looking at my phone, or the wall or some random thought passing by.  As you speak these words, you are ignoring the beauty if front of you.  (INFURIATED). YOU are the ultimate insult.  Your ignorance.  This want for something you think you don't have or can't have, and here it sits withering, waiting, wanting, in front of you.  I pity you.  But now it is time to move on.  Baby steps.  Is it me?

Okay, so really...

Here I am, first blog post done with, several months ago...le sigh...what to say....

I will blog about my dreams, because my dreams are important to me, like my last blog post, I don't even really remember that dream.  But reading the blog post reminds me, kindof, about the dream, and how I was feeling at that time and brings me back, like a time machine

How I am still trying to figure things out.  How, no matter how much things change, they still stay the same.  I've just started watching MadMen, and the things I love about Don Draper, are somehow, the things I despise.  As an outsider, so much to know, so much mystique.  But as someone who knows him (like his wife), or should know him, doesn't really know him.  Because he won't allow it.  It will somehow expose him, far too dangerous to ever really let anyone know him.  It's all about the fantasy, his fantasy.  Or mine.

Anyways....

I will also write about me, what I think and so on and so forth.  I remember having a lot of diaries, and little memory books, but I couldn't trust anyone to not look when I feel so vulnerable, so I would tear them up, and burn them, and shred them, and make them dissapear.  I'm super protective of my current feelings, but not so much of my 'past' feelings..so here they are.

I'm looking forward to strengthining my writing skills, if I have any (:)) and being a little more free.

under a microscope

So I dreamt that I was looking through a microscope, I was learning how to use it, and at first I couldn't see anything but then I realized that was because there was nothing there.  So I found these small styrofoam balls and put one of them in the microscope.  Looking through the microscope in my dream I didn't see anything except what you would expect squished styrofoam to look like, but I was having a hard time seeing what was going on through the microscope because it would happen so fast I was missing a lot of it, I also had to share looking through it with someone else.  Then I was experimenting with the styrofoam ball, I added a little bit of water to it, and then it started to disintegrate and disappear. That's pretty much the end of what happened in the dream.  I remember feeling very excited and happy that I got to see what happened because it was a really big deal how the styrofoam balls dissapeared in the water.


So here is what one site says about microscopes in dreams:

From the curious dreamer dictoinary:

• Examining the matter represented by the object being observed (such as to clarify the facts, or one's own thoughts, opinions, or feelings about the matter)
• Observing or studying
• A perceived breach of privacy or attempt to intrude into a private or secret matter
• A desire to understand or gain knowledge
• The idea of bringing something or someone who seems remote closer

I think I'll need to think on this one myself a bit before I come to any conclusions about it's meaning, my head is feeling a bit foggy this morning.

TTFN